i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
