i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
