The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
