i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You are the jesus of drinking
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
