She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
