fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
