Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
