This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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