at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
