Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He passed out mid-signature
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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