We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
