dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
