can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
