Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
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I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
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There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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