So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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