If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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