a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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