dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
