i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
