wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
