onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
