You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
