I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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