I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
