i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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