goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
