Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
