I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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