i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
