awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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