just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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