wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
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I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
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Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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