Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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