this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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