Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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