You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
