I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
