Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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