i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
That accounts for only three of the penises
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Randomize
