We're like a lot better than the average bears
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
