my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
