stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
