We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
