I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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