There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
