I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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