Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
