What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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