literally had 100 drinks last night.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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