dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
