I'm so fucking centered right now
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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