he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
