community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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