I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize