i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You need Xanax blowdarts
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
