On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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