when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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