You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
