that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
