Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
