Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
