I wish I could punch you in the face.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
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